Moving on isn't easy

For the first time since the break-up, I've had a good night of rest. Though it was rudely interrupted by my neighbour and his 'guest', I slept well nonetheless, unlike previous nights when I could only manage to sleep for 4 hrs, only to wake up when I became too excited by my dreams.

I'm really trying to 'move on', as she has urged me to do. It really isn't easy, but perhaps the worst of the pain and desperation is over. I no longer coop myself up in my room, and I've even been able to exercise and get some work done. My appetite still isn't the same as it was, but at least I have an appetite again. When I run into friends who comment that I look ill, exhausted, or even grave, I no longer burst into tears when they ask me what's wrong. I still feel too exhausted to tell even some very close friends the details of what has happened, but I do appreciate the encouragement and support everybody has been giving me.

The most difficult thing now is getting on with my life in Hong Kong and at HKU. What makes things so difficult is that of my roughly 7 months in Hong Kong and 6 months at HKU, we were together for 5 months. In the days since the break-up, I've come to realise that so many mundane details of my life were intricately connected to hers. I usually took the initiative since she has always been shy about these things: I would call her as soon as I woke up (unless I knew she would wake up later that day), stop by on my way in and out to give her a quick kiss and a hug, call her every time I got on a bus.. but now, every time I wake up, every time the elevator passes her floor, and every time I take a bus, it feels very very different, and I know exactly what's missing. And this is not to mention the places we've been together, the most numerous of which were at or around HKU. Do I have to leave HKU? I certainly hope not, and I certainly hope she doesn't leave either. She tends to run from her problems, but I really hope I don't become such a 'problem'.

Yes, I worried that we may haven taken up too much of each other's time. The truth is that both of us had little to no self-control when we saw each other. A quick hello would lead to a hug, a hug would lead to a kiss, a kiss would lead to kissing, kissing would lead to stroking her back and her sides, and a quick hello that was supposed to last one minute could occupy us for an hour, or two, or more. Sometimes, when we intended to chat for just a few minutes, we ended up chatting for hours, sometimes chatting until the sun came up. Time passed far too quickly when we were together. Yes, she was sometimes late for class (and sometimes missed classes), and she sometimes had to rush assignments, but I really did try to avoid letting her do that.

I've asked her before if seeing her so often, calling her so often, and spending so much time with her was a hassle. She's quite upfront and honest, and she has usually told me that no, I wasn't being a hassle, and that in fact, she was very happy that I called or dropped by. During times that she had to get work done or didn't have time to see me, I usually tried my best not to bother her. But I now realise that what felt normal and pleasant during less busy times must have felt suffocating while she was at her busiest last week - she has an important deadline looming, and she had to resolve a monumental personal crisis in which I could play no or little part in assisting. I truly regret not being much more sensitive to her feelings and that I could interpret her reactions to me more clearly so that I could have stayed away when I should have.

I'm very sorry that I'm responsible for driving her to such a desperate moment in which she made such a desperate decision. She could not admit that it was a rational decision, and I feel that she's trying to convince herself that it's the best decision. I know there are other factors involved, but we were doing a pretty good job of handling them. But the bottom line is that it's hard for me to accept her decision because she still loves me. (Of course, after she reads this, she will try to convince me that she no longer loves me. But you.. she still loved me when you made the decision.. and she can't deny that)

Now, I'm trying very hard not to be miserable. My sorrow may be difficult to hide, but there is a way to be sad with dignity. When she looks at me, I don't want her to see a pitiful loser, and I don't want her to feel guilt - if she were to change her mind, I don't want her to change her mind because she pities me. When she looks at me, I want her to see the same guy she was in love with. I wonder if she would remember the joy we experienced together and change her mind. I wonder if she has been tempted to come to me or call me and tell me that she has made a mistake...