Love, from beginning to end(?)

I still remember the moment I met her. It was at a party. I got there first, and she arrived half an hour later. She immediately caught my attention. She was tall and slim and had shiny perfect hair tied up in a ponytail. She was wearing a brown, patterned dress that clung to her curvy body. It exposed her neck and part of her shoulders, showing the perfect skin that matched the skin on her face. As soon as I spotted her from across the room, I gulped my drink and excused myself from the 2-3 people with whom I was chatting at the time.

I waded through the room full of people and introduced myself, then chatted with her and her friends. She was polite and friendly, and when she laughed at my jokes, she had a dimple in her right cheek. Did I have a chance? I asked for her number and MSN ID, and added her to my MSN list as soon as I got home.

I chatted with her for a little while every day. Just three days after we first met, I asked her if she'd like me to show her around Hong Kong since she had only arrived a week ago, and hadn't had a chance to explore. She took me up on it. We spent the whole afternoon and early evening together. We chatted all day. Though she was quite shy, she was very considerate and pleasant, intelligent and attentive.

For the next couple of weeks, we continued to chat on MSN Messenger. I made her laugh. We were becoming friends, but I had to make it clear to her that I was interested in being more than just friends. Of course, that could have jeopardised our friendship, but I fell in love with her, and decided to take the risk.

One night, while we were watching movies, I finally mustered up the courage to let her know that I was interested in her, and told her I wanted to know if she were interested in me. She was shocked when I told her so, but she later revealed that she felt the same way about me. However, she was not yet ready to date me. She convinced me to date someone else (which I did: I dated another girl I was interested in for two weeks, and I misled another girl. I feel tremendous guilt for misleading both of them, and for perhaps breaking their hearts. I really did want to give them a chance, but my heart was telling me otherwise).

During the two weeks that I was dating someone else, we still chatted with each other - intermittently at first, but with increasingly frequency. By the end of the two weeks, we were chatting with each other several hours a day, from late at night until the sun came up in the morning. It became more and more clear that she was falling in love with me. It became more and more clear that I was still in love with her. At one particular moment, we both summoned the courage to tell this to each other, and it was at this moment that we began dating.


Our five and a half months together were among the happiest times of our lives. I felt very fortunate to be able to let her experience things she had never experienced: she would melt when I kissed her lips and when I brushed my hand up and down her back. Time always passed so quickly, especially when we felt each other's warmth as we lay in each other's arms. We revealed and shared our feelings with one another, openly and sincerely. It delighted her every time I dropped in unannounced to give her a kiss on my way out, and when I called to say "I love you." To be able to bring her so much joy, exhilaration, and pleasure made me feel like a Great Lover. Someone so outstandingly beautiful and intelligent, someone so considerate to me, someone who enjoyed my company as much as she did, made me feel joy I have never felt before.

But just as easily as she brought me joy, she has caused me pain. I shouldn't say it is easy for her, because it is obvious that it pains her to do this to me, and to herself as well. The suddenness of this is shocking, the reasons unconvincing - I still haven't been able to accept it, but I've told her I will try, if just to respect her decision. But how could anyone give up what we had together? If one or both of us stopped loving the other, or if one of us had done something to betray the other, perhaps it would be easier for me to understand and to accept. Or if I could have seen the end coming as I had with my second girlfriend in Beijing, it would have softened the blow and let me prepare for and manage it.

I will never forget her, and will probably never stop loving her. If she realises she has made a mistake - that she is actually not willing to let go of me, that our love is worth fighting for, that our love is worth the hassle - then I would gladly welcome her with open arms. Because she loves me (but is trying very hard to stop loving me), she is unwilling to hurt me again, but for the chance to feel what I've felt in the last few months, I'm willing to take that risk again, and again, and again.


If 'you're' reading this, I just want to thank you for making me happy, that I'm sorry for causing you pain and hardship, that I do not regret being with you, and that I love you.