Lately, I've been feeling rather embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that in the past few months, I've been averaging fewer than one blog entry per month. By contrast, I probably blogged nearly every other day in the first few months of this blog's life. What you don't know is that 2-3 times a week, I do login to this blog and I do write some stuff. But though I do write something, I just can't manage to check my facts, to rearrange sentences and paragraphs, and sometimes, to even complete more than 2-3 sentences.

The decline in my blogging output is quite indicative of what my life has become. I haven't been getting anything done and I haven't been doing anything properly. I can't sleep properly, I don't eat properly, and I just don't get anything done. What I end up doing is I manage to find ways to pass the time while I try very hard to get started on my work. Well, I have a lot of half-done work that I've managed to do during rare moments of inspiration and motivation, but have put aside and forgotten for several days at best, and several months at worst.

Every day, the first thing I do when I wake up is I turn on my computer. The first thing I do when it's on is I open up the document I've been working on for the last 3 months (but which I haven't touched in more than 2 months). I try very hard to concentrate on my work, to proofread what I've written, to continue writing, or to read books and articles. Yet by the end of the day, after a lot of chatting, watching video clips, and reading news, I close my document. No need to save changes, since no changes have been made.

What I've been going through lately isn't as simple as being unable to get any work done. I don't want to go into details, but I can say that everything started in March. Since then, I've been feeling an increasing sense of despair, indifference, self-hatred, lack of confidence, inertia.. and sometimes, I even feel urges to do something I previously considered unthinkable.

All I want is to finally get back on track and to return back to normal. I don't think it's mere laziness this time. I've been lazy before, but I've never played with such stakes before. What stakes? In less than 4 months, I will know whether or not I will pass my 18 months of probation and whether or not I will become a PhD candidate (I am currently a "PhD student").

The good news is that I feel that the worst is over. Even if I'm unable to catch up and am no longer welcome to continue my studies, I'm mentally prepared to do something else, to enter a new stage in life, to have a change of scene. Leaving the academic world may even turn out to be a blessing in disguise - it may be a chance for me to chase another dream.

As for my blog, another reason why I couldn't bring myself to post was because I promised myself to get some work done before I wrote for pleasure. I now realise that depriving myself of recreational writing has made me feel even more miserable. I remember how proud I once was of this blog and how happy it made me feel to post something, to know that you guys read it, and to read your comments. Now, I feel as though posting once again may even help my academic writing - maybe it will get me back into the writing mood.

Yes, I'm back. I'm sorry for the long absences.