Snow in Vancouver, late summer in Hong Kong

I've been told it snowed in Vancouver. How nice. It rarely snows in Vancouver. Even when it snows, the snow rarely sticks to the ground. Even when the snow sticks to the ground, it's rare for more than a few centimetres to accumulate. Even when more than a few centimetres accumulate, the snow rarely sticks around for more than a couple of days before milder temperatures causes the white stuff to melt and turn brown as it mixes with the slush on the streets and gutters.

This time, about 20cm fell over the weekend, and it's still on the ground. More snow is expected in a couple of days. Boy, I wish I were there. I can still wear shorts in Hong Kong. This month was the warmest November recorded in the last 120 years, with an average daily high of 23 C; by contrast, it's going to hit -20 C in Vancouver. Over here, I end up sweating on the days I decide to wear jeans and long-sleeved shirts. I only just stopped using air conditioning 2 weeks ago.

Despite the sharp increase in fender benders, the sharp drop in temperatures, and the need to leave the house earlier than usual if I don't want to be late for appointments, I've always welcomed snow. Unlike the patter of rain, falling snow muffles all sounds. The slow-falling flakes seem to float and glide, giving a simultaneously hypnotic and calming effect. I can watch the snow from my window for hours and hours. I especially like going outside at night, when the lights reflect off the snow, and the night sky is purple. And despite my age, I still love making snowmen and snow angels, and I even miss being "beaned" by a snowball. And let's not forget leaving mysterious yellow spots in the white landscape, or signing my name in the snow.

Though most people characterize it as a chore, I must say that I remember shovelling the driveway quite fondly. I haven't done it in nearly 3 years, and I doubt I'll be doing it again any time soon. I'm sure most others detest the idea of getting up early in the morning, putting on a parka and a tuque, working up a sweat in the cold, and aggravating the lower-back muscles. Sure, I hate all that too, but I seem to forget all about it afterwards and only really remember the satisfaction of having a clear driveway. I remember shovelling snow off into the bushes on the side of the driveway, my brother singing cheerfully as he worked. My family only has one snow shovel, but 3 garden shovels. We'd take turns using the much wider snow shovel, and would use the garden shovel to dislodge the stubborn compressed snow that formed the tiretracks of my dad's minivan (my brother and I normally shovelled the driveway AFTER my dad left for work). Oh, what memories.

If any of you in Vancouver took pictures, please send them my way.

Lately, I've been feeling rather embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that in the past few months, I've been averaging fewer than one blog entry per month. By contrast, I probably blogged nearly every other day in the first few months of this blog's life. What you don't know is that 2-3 times a week, I do login to this blog and I do write some stuff. But though I do write something, I just can't manage to check my facts, to rearrange sentences and paragraphs, and sometimes, to even complete more than 2-3 sentences.

The decline in my blogging output is quite indicative of what my life has become. I haven't been getting anything done and I haven't been doing anything properly. I can't sleep properly, I don't eat properly, and I just don't get anything done. What I end up doing is I manage to find ways to pass the time while I try very hard to get started on my work. Well, I have a lot of half-done work that I've managed to do during rare moments of inspiration and motivation, but have put aside and forgotten for several days at best, and several months at worst.

Every day, the first thing I do when I wake up is I turn on my computer. The first thing I do when it's on is I open up the document I've been working on for the last 3 months (but which I haven't touched in more than 2 months). I try very hard to concentrate on my work, to proofread what I've written, to continue writing, or to read books and articles. Yet by the end of the day, after a lot of chatting, watching video clips, and reading news, I close my document. No need to save changes, since no changes have been made.

What I've been going through lately isn't as simple as being unable to get any work done. I don't want to go into details, but I can say that everything started in March. Since then, I've been feeling an increasing sense of despair, indifference, self-hatred, lack of confidence, inertia.. and sometimes, I even feel urges to do something I previously considered unthinkable.

All I want is to finally get back on track and to return back to normal. I don't think it's mere laziness this time. I've been lazy before, but I've never played with such stakes before. What stakes? In less than 4 months, I will know whether or not I will pass my 18 months of probation and whether or not I will become a PhD candidate (I am currently a "PhD student").

The good news is that I feel that the worst is over. Even if I'm unable to catch up and am no longer welcome to continue my studies, I'm mentally prepared to do something else, to enter a new stage in life, to have a change of scene. Leaving the academic world may even turn out to be a blessing in disguise - it may be a chance for me to chase another dream.

As for my blog, another reason why I couldn't bring myself to post was because I promised myself to get some work done before I wrote for pleasure. I now realise that depriving myself of recreational writing has made me feel even more miserable. I remember how proud I once was of this blog and how happy it made me feel to post something, to know that you guys read it, and to read your comments. Now, I feel as though posting once again may even help my academic writing - maybe it will get me back into the writing mood.

Yes, I'm back. I'm sorry for the long absences.