happy again

Yesterday, like so many days in the past year, was a time for reflection. There was a lot to think about last year because my 30th birthday sort of crept up on me and made me think about the things that I’ve done and gone through and the person I’ve become.

I never imagined that I’d still be a student at the age of 30. Actually, I was supposed to finish my thesis work in October and to become Dr. Kenneth Ho before my 31st birthday. I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. Well, graduating late isn’t entirely new to me – it took me 5 years to earn my BA because I took a year off to learn Chinese in Taiwan, and it took me 2 years to finish what was supposed to be a 1 year MA program because I was a Teaching Assistant for both years (which was really fun) and because I took up an interesting internship with the Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs, again in Taiwan (which was a bit less fun). Taking a year to live (and not study nor work) in Beijing between my MA and PhD prevented me from earning a PhD before turning 30, but it did allow me to understand China better than people who haven't lived there before.

Unlike the delays in completing my BA and MA, the reason why I will finish my PhD behind schedule wasn’t as fun or as rewarding. To make a long story short, I fell in love with and dated a girl I had no business dating. The relationship lasted only 5 months, but getting over her took me another 3 years. When the relationship ended, I exhausted my mental and spiritual energy in trying to make the relationship work, in trying to change her mind, in trying to understand why the world is so unfair, and in pitying myself. Before long, I discovered that I had nearly destroyed myself completely.

For a long time, life was simply about surviving to the next day. I passed the time by indulging in food, movies, and news and magazine articles. Some very patient and caring friends also helped more than they might ever know. There were also some little things for me to look forward to, things that may seem trivial to you, but which were exciting enough to keep me alive. For example, I’ve always looked forward to Saturdays, when I’d have dim sum with my aunt and cousin(s) in the afternoon and play badminton with friends in the evening. I especially looked forward to Muay Thai classes, which I not only enjoyed, but which would exhaust me so thoroughly that I’d be temporarily distracted from my spiritual pain. I’m damned glad I never resorted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or other vices in those times. There was a year of rebound activity, though, which I put to an end when I saw the path of destruction I was leaving behind and when I realised that they didn’t make me feel any better.

Though I’m grateful to have survived that dark period in my life, I regret the time, opportunities, resources, and the patience of friends that I’ve squandered. I particularly regret that my writing output has slowed to an infrequent trickle, which won’t help me achieve my dream of becoming a columnist. Well, while I’m not overly concerned about whether or not I will come out of this experience with a PhD in hand, I’ve been a lot more concerned about when I will fully regain my sense of discipline and other qualities I once had. I’ve also worried about whether or not I’ll be able to love another girl as much as I loved my ex, and whether or not I’ll be able to experience that kind of happiness ever again.

Recently, these fears have been assuaged. My thesis work, though a few months overdue and with some methodological weaknesses, will soon be finished. Even if I do manage to salvage my PhD work, the 4 years worth of work I’ve managed to do in 1.5 years, I won’t consider the last 4-5 years to be a COMPLETE write-off. After all, having spent many hours each day reading newspapers, magazines, blogs, and books, I have continued to further my knowledge and understanding of the world. Though I’ve wasted my chance to qualify myself to become a university professor, I’m confident that I will find other ways to contribute to human knowledge and to society.

I’ve become happier and more confident these days and people have been noticing. Muay Thai has become a significant part of my life: not only do I have a way to stay fit, but I see my Muay Thai friends more regularly than I see any other friends, and have a great excuse to leave my office, dorm, and academic work behind several times a week. Furthermore, being an assistant trainer and making improvements in my skills have boosted my confidence. I’ve also been able to write again, and while the vast majority of what I write remains unfinished and unpublished, at least I’ve been coming closer and closer to finishing and publishing my writing. But most importantly, I’ve discovered that I can love again. Someone special has come into my life, and she is as beautiful in mind and spirit as she is beautiful on the outside. I probably don’t deserve her, and I don’t know if we will ever be together, but she has become an intimate part of my life and has been inspiring me to continue to strive. Not just strive to make myself more deserving of her and to convince her that I am ready to be a loving, caring, and devoted boyfriend, but to strive to live a full life rather than to merely survive.

This year will be a year of significant changes for me, and I’m pretty optimistic about what lies ahead. Yes, I’m behind all of my peers, some of whom have reached lofty heights in their careers, accumulated wealth, bought property, gotten married, and even have children. But it’s not too late for me to accomplish these things. In fact, the advantage of starting with nothing is that I have the flexibility to choose where I want to live, what I want to do, and to define who I want to become. Yes, there will be hardship, but more than ever, I’m certain that there will also definitely be happiness. I hope that you, my friends, will also be able to overcome the challenges you will inevitably confront in your lives, and to find happiness too.